An Open Letter to the Restaurant Entrepreneurs of Boston

Dear Sirs, Madams, and Gender Neutral Betters,

As a resident of the Brighton neighborhood of Boston, I am weekly distressed by two simple facts. One, there is no decent place to eat brunch within walking distance. Two, there is no decent place to buy booze within walking distance. These problems seemed unrelated, or at least not solvable all at once, until it hit me: liquor store slash brunch place. An instant money maker that would solve all of my gustatory needs.

You may be thinking, these two establishments have nothing in common. Come on, entrepreneur, have a little vision! That’s what people thought about fruit and jello, melon and prosciutto, meat and dairy, but they were dead wrong. Now we have the wiggly jello mold within which fruit is inexplicably suspended, delicious antipasto that is at once sweet and savory, and a whole jew-terrorizing section of cheese stuffed meats. Here’s the pitch: most of the time, it’s a liquor store that provides libations to the booze guzzling twenty somethings and Russian elderly of the neighborhood. On Saturday and Sunday mornings and the occasional holiday Monday, and when I have the day off, the shelves disappear (this is where your entrepreneurial genius comes in!) and in their place are some lovely bistro tables, colorfully decorated with thought provoking local portrayals of injustice or ingestion. A simple menu of eggs (benedicts, florentines, scrambles, omelets), grains (french toast, pancakes, english muffins), meats (both canadian and american bacon, link sausage, and the occasional smoked fish) and beverages (coffee, water, coffee, rootbeer, apple juice, coffee) would suffice. You’d also need the recipe for the best potatoes ever made (see The Pantry, New Haven, CT for some clues) and some saucy, glasses wearing college hopefuls to wait the tables. Lines around the block, I guarantee. You can call it something like “Brighton Booze ‘n’ Brunch” or “Booze, Brunch, and Bitch” and have kitschy signs that say, “We Serve Alcoholics and Their Hangovers” or “No shirt, no shoes, no brunch you homeless bastard – get the fuck out!”

Perhaps you are wondering who on earth would visit such an establishment. A better question is, doubting entrepreneur, who wouldn’t? You’re probably thinking pregnant women and recovering alcoholics. But they, like most people, are enchanted by a good brunch. And people who work the graveyard shift love to drink. There is not a single category of person who wouldn’t be served by this establishment. Forget niche marketing – your niche is the entire human race! Soon there would be Booze ‘n’ Brunch franchises throughout the globe, even in places where people don’t need these things within walking distance because they drive oversized S.U.V.s everywhere or, alternatively, have no legs due to a legacy of U.S. military involvement. This idea cannot go wrong. I am giving it to you, bright and promising entrepreneurs, only because I want to see you succeed in these harsh times of economic stagnation. By the way, can you think of a better way to spend a stimulus check than on liquor and brunch in your own neighborhood? Plus, since you can walk there, its part of this new fangled “green” movement I’ve heard so much about. You won’t even need to hire an advertising firm!

Please invest soon, as next weekend is right around the corner and I really don’t want to have to wake up writhing with anger at the lack of brunch spots, having already exhausted myself from the trek to the liquor store the previous night.

Yours very truly,
The Fat Kid