Girrrrl, You Gots To Be Grillin'

You can mark the changes of the season in your own way. The buds on the trees. Daylight Savings time. Red sox season. Smog level rises. An influx of allergy commercials. But how ever you measure the slow march of time, there can be no denying that we have stumbled upon the splendor that is grilling season. More than Santa Claus and giant neon menorahs, the thrill of the grill brings out the good cheer of the Fat Kid, who dreams of dextrous tongs, fragrant wood chips, and talking webers. So here is a short discussion of the glories and potential pit falls of the season. Baby, its warm outside!

Things to keep in mind:
1). Grilling is hot work, which means it requires a cool beverage. I strongly recommend a durable coozie to keep both your hand dry and your beverage cold. You really can’t grill without a drink. Please don’t forget this.
2). Grilling is great because it doesn’t require doing any dishes. Don’t mess up this wonderful part of grilling by putting everything on a bunch of little plates before you head to the grill. Grilling brings out the lazy and resourceful in the fat kid; relish it.
3). Grilling rarely finishes before dark, despite your best intentions. It is therefore important to consider lighting when placing your grill. Many a Fat Kid rocks the head lamp at the grill, which not only looks cool but allows for elaborate signaling in case your beverage is empty or you just want to get someone’s attention. Moreover, nothing looks nerdier than half-cooked, salmonella-riddled chicken kabobs. Nothing.
4). Alcohol and drugs make it difficult to know how long things have been on the grill. If you participate in either of these activities (see number one), you should get a timer or a designated timer. Particularly if you’re ignoring the advice of number three and going it in the dark.
5). Depending upon the size of your grill and the size of your party, it may be impossible for everything to come off at the same time. Do not freak out, Fat Kid in Training. Grilling is the most casual way to entertain and as such should not be sweated. Just let people gnosh away and they’ll get the rest when its ready.
6). While the meal that is entirely from the grill is of course a delight, its not always the best course of action (see number five). So you may have to allow someone to make something in the kitchen while you’re grilling. That’s fine, as long as that person is not you.
7). Don’t be weird about letting other people use the grill – you’ll just look like a douche and no one will invite you to grill at their house, much like the kid who wets the bed. Grilling is not where you demonstrate your macho control, it is where you demonstrate your egalitarian spirit and love for food. So move over and pass the tongs.
8). TONGS! Yes, you need a decent spatula, but tongs are the most essential piece of the grill. Make sure they’re wieldy.


Things you can grill – A totally not exhaustive list:
Meats of all shapes and sizes, including, but not limited to:
• Bacon
• Sausage
• Beef
• Pork
• Chicken
• Turkey
• Turduckin
• Lamb
• Veal
• Buffalo/Bison
• Any of the above wrapped in any of the above, particularly the first above

Seafoods of all varieties, using ample amounts of oil, butter, or tinfoil:
• Fishes (the correct plural of many varieties of fish)
• Shrimp
• Scallops
• Lobster
• Crab
• Octopi
• Conch
• Squid
• Urchin

Vegetables, including, but not limited to:
• Asparagus
• Peppers, green, red, yellow, orange, and purple
• Eggplant
• Zucchini
• Squash
• Corn – keep it on the cob, kids
• Mushroom – portabello, button, white, crimini, porcini, wild, self-grown
• Tomatoes (don’t even tell me it’s a fruit)
• Broccoli
• Cabbage
• Radicchio
• Sweet potatoes
• Reg’lar potatoes
• Snap peas
• Green beans
• Onions – white, sweet, red, Vidalia
• Any of the above wrapped in any of the meats above the above

Various other things you can – and should – throw on the fire
• Extra firm tofu
• Polenta
• Peaches
• Strawberries
• Banana
• Bread
• Pizza
• English muffins (think glorious breakfast sandwich)

Things you should, under no circumstances, grill:
• Milk
• Cantaloupe
• Rice
• Popcorn
• Silken tofu
• Cheese, standing alone
• Beans